John Lennon- Arkells

The song in the title of this blog has a line that goes "I'm so lost, and I live just around the corner." That line has always made me think of being so confused and in such a tough situation that you can't even tell which way is up. It makes me think of someone who is so overwhelmed that they don't even know where to begin.

I have to confess that in the last month I have felt like that a hundred times. When faced with my dad's stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis I went through every emotion possible. Then I was able to go back out west and spend some time with my team and boyfriend. I was able to get some perspective on my situation and my family's situation by having some time away from it all physically--mentally I was still at home most of the time.

I had never been in a situation that was so stressful and overwhelming that I couldn't focus on my everyday life before all of this. I would find myself doing tasks and not know why I was doing that or get somewhere and not know how I had gotten there. I would space out in mid conversation and have to ask people to repeat themselves. For some reason I had thought that everything would work itself out when I returned to Canmore and that I would be able to distance myself from all of my problems at home and focus on my skiing. I thought that somehow my two worlds wouldn't meet up and I would be able to keep them separate, but I quickly learned that there is only one world and both of mine where part of it.

Once back in Canmore I hopped right back into training and managed to do a few really great workouts with my team. My hope at that point was to tire my body out physically so that it would match the same fatigue level as that I was at mentally. I thought that if I could tire myself out that I would finally be able to sleep through the night. It turns out that no matter how tired you are physically, if you are really stressed out mentally you won't sleep.

I accepted that I was just going to have to do the best I could on the amount of sleep that I was getting and I headed up to the Haig glacier with my team for a week long, on-snow, skiing camp in mid July. The camp started off a little rocky for me just because I was still unable to focus on technique and what my coaches were expecting from me. But, as the week flew by I found myself slowly falling back into a normal training rhythm and all of a sudden I was able to deal with everything that had been set in front of me again. It sounds strange, but by the end of the week of skiing I realized that I no longer felt totally and utterly helpless. My brain was kicking back in and helping me find somewhere to begin tackling my problems.

I say all of this as though I struggled through it on my own, but my boyfriend, coaches, and friends were all there helping me through each and every day and I know that I couldn't have done it without them. I have an amazing support crew all around me and my family.

This experience so far has helped me realize just how much of my training is a mental process. I can go out and do my hours and be completely zoned out with my thoughts miles away, but I am not going to get much out of the workout. I realize that my mind is a huge factor in winning races and mastering technique and training. It is a factor that I have taken for granted the last 14 years of my ski career. So now I have the opportunity to work with a sports psychologist for the first time in my ski career, one on one, so that I can understand how to use my mental capabilities to their full potential and deal with the road that has been laid out in front of me. It could be a bumpy road but I am in it for the long haul.

I am back at home in Pakenham for the week to spend some time with the 'fam, but I head back out West on Monday to prepare for our Whistler camp and spend some time in Canmore.

Take a Minute- K'Naan

I have been thinking about writing a blog update now for the last 3 weeks but with what is going on in my life I don't really know how to write it.

Just over 3 weeks ago now my Dad was admitted to hospital with a brain tumor the size of an orange. He had been showing signs of a persistent cold and almost something like depression for a few weeks. Then his short term memory started to fade and my mom took him into the hospital.

Phil (my boyfriend) and I flew back the next morning and I have been back in Pakenham since. Luckily my younger brother and sister were at home at the time and my older sister was able to fly back from Ireland shortly after.

This is one event that I never anticipated having to deal with this year... or ever. I have taken one big step back from skiing and really come to appreciate the things that matter in my life. I love to ski, but I love my family so much more. It has taken me these full 3 weeks to decide whether or not I will continue skiing this year, or decide to be at home in Pakenham while my dad battles through radiation and chemo and beating this cancer.

I turns out that I am hoping to do both. I fly back out West to Canmore on Tuesday to try and hop back into training, a glacier camp, and my life out West, but I will be back and forth between Pakenham and Canmore throughout the next few months and year.

I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support that they have offered me and my entire family throughout these last three weeks. This experience has opened my eyes up to a whole new level of generosity and kindness and I know that it has made me a better person.

"And any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a damn, damn thing at all. And every time I felt the hurt and I felt the givin' getting me up off the wall."

My little sister played the K'naan song that I have used in my title one night as we were driving back from the hospital and it has been in my head ever since.