John Lennon- Arkells

The song in the title of this blog has a line that goes "I'm so lost, and I live just around the corner." That line has always made me think of being so confused and in such a tough situation that you can't even tell which way is up. It makes me think of someone who is so overwhelmed that they don't even know where to begin.

I have to confess that in the last month I have felt like that a hundred times. When faced with my dad's stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis I went through every emotion possible. Then I was able to go back out west and spend some time with my team and boyfriend. I was able to get some perspective on my situation and my family's situation by having some time away from it all physically--mentally I was still at home most of the time.

I had never been in a situation that was so stressful and overwhelming that I couldn't focus on my everyday life before all of this. I would find myself doing tasks and not know why I was doing that or get somewhere and not know how I had gotten there. I would space out in mid conversation and have to ask people to repeat themselves. For some reason I had thought that everything would work itself out when I returned to Canmore and that I would be able to distance myself from all of my problems at home and focus on my skiing. I thought that somehow my two worlds wouldn't meet up and I would be able to keep them separate, but I quickly learned that there is only one world and both of mine where part of it.

Once back in Canmore I hopped right back into training and managed to do a few really great workouts with my team. My hope at that point was to tire my body out physically so that it would match the same fatigue level as that I was at mentally. I thought that if I could tire myself out that I would finally be able to sleep through the night. It turns out that no matter how tired you are physically, if you are really stressed out mentally you won't sleep.

I accepted that I was just going to have to do the best I could on the amount of sleep that I was getting and I headed up to the Haig glacier with my team for a week long, on-snow, skiing camp in mid July. The camp started off a little rocky for me just because I was still unable to focus on technique and what my coaches were expecting from me. But, as the week flew by I found myself slowly falling back into a normal training rhythm and all of a sudden I was able to deal with everything that had been set in front of me again. It sounds strange, but by the end of the week of skiing I realized that I no longer felt totally and utterly helpless. My brain was kicking back in and helping me find somewhere to begin tackling my problems.

I say all of this as though I struggled through it on my own, but my boyfriend, coaches, and friends were all there helping me through each and every day and I know that I couldn't have done it without them. I have an amazing support crew all around me and my family.

This experience so far has helped me realize just how much of my training is a mental process. I can go out and do my hours and be completely zoned out with my thoughts miles away, but I am not going to get much out of the workout. I realize that my mind is a huge factor in winning races and mastering technique and training. It is a factor that I have taken for granted the last 14 years of my ski career. So now I have the opportunity to work with a sports psychologist for the first time in my ski career, one on one, so that I can understand how to use my mental capabilities to their full potential and deal with the road that has been laid out in front of me. It could be a bumpy road but I am in it for the long haul.

I am back at home in Pakenham for the week to spend some time with the 'fam, but I head back out West on Monday to prepare for our Whistler camp and spend some time in Canmore.